HQ-S-3191
Emptiness. A numb emptiness is all that she could acknowledge feeling within herself. Her body still registered external sensations, yes; the frigid air caused her to shiver, her brain still understood that it wasn't comfortable in the night's breeze and undertook the chemical reaction to cause her body to vibrate and alleviate the coldness. She recognized the sound of that cold wind as it swept over the rooftop and caused the naked trees below to sway. Her body still knew how to inhale and exhale and circulate blood through her veins. But she struggled to perceive anything beyond that. With her bare feet upon the rooftop pitch, she understood that she felt cold, and she understood that she does not want to feel cold, but she felt no compulsion to move to somewhere warmer. She felt fully detached from her body, and as she held out her own hand in front of her body, she required a moment to analyze the vision and accept that she was looking at her own body in the present moment. She felt no grounding in her own body or in reality. She imagined herself to feel like a chimney on the roof upon which she stood - an inanimate object which was exposed to the elements of the autumn night.
The rape did more than change her. A change would imply a refinement, or an exchange of one state for another. The rape did more than just physically harm Marilou - it uprooted her perception of reality and meaning. She had an upbringing in a comfortable house, parents who supported her, hobbies which she enjoyed, aspirations to maybe become a mother one day; but that all seemed totally foreign to her now. Those memories, those ambitions, seemed to belong to someone else who she didn't know. Who wasn't her, at least. The thought of stitching a pattern into a dress or sitting down to play a Bach composition seemed pointless. The thought of becoming a mother filled her with disgust, as much for the physical act as for knowing that there was no protection from the kind of evil to which she was subjected. All the love and support and protection which she ever may have felt she had from her friends and family vanished. This entire sensation of purpose and security is what she knew she had lost, and she didn't see any way it would ever come back. She convinced herself it would never come back.
This is how she convinced herself to ultimately end her grief. This is what brought her to the rooftop. She knew that she had to do this completely if she were to do it at all, and not take any chances. As she walked closer to the side of the building, she felt her heart begin to beat faster, but still felt no compulsion to reverse her course. She couldn't foresee an alternative. Much as her body instructed her to keep breathing, she felt chills within herself as an instinct for survival came from within to tell her to refrain. But she saw either choice as leading to suffering. The only question is what duration in suffering did she want. With each step towards the edge, she struggled to ask and answer that question. She finally reached the brick edge and climbed upon it to stand with her toes curled over the side. Her nervously deep breathing caused her body to shift in position, from which she instinctively corrected her balance. The struggle continued and her heart beating echoed in her ears. Again, she asked herself the same question and again she answered.
She leaned forward.
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